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Hello folks, I trust that you all had an excellent festive season, a good New Year and of course you have made and will keep your New Year Resolutions. This got me thinking what resolutions our canine companions would attempt so please forgive this drift into a fantasy world. Normal service will be resumed next week.
- I will desist from chasing the cat. This is something that I am constantly being told off for doing. I must confess that this is an extremely pleasurable experience for me particularly as the horrible fluffy feline appears to spend all her time winding me up by sitting on my humans lap. She also slowly walks along the top of the wall where she knows that I can’t reach her. Grrrr.
- I promise to stop rolling in poop. I really can’t understand this. The aroma that is acquired from sliding very slowly through a pile of fox poop is second only to the most wonderful number one poop which of course is the badgers!! This is not going to be easy. I’ve discovered that the problem appears with humans. They have such a low number of scent receptors in their noses that they struggle to appreciate the richness and fruity smell of poop. In fact they are so deprived that they even use this rather odd product called soap to wash away the heavenly aromatic aroma of poop. I have lost count of the number of times that my human has insisted that I need a bath.
- I will desist from chewing the furniture and all the stuff that my humans leave about. I just love table legs. They are wooden, perfect height, the texture of wood is delightful. As for the rest of it how am I supposed to know the difference between the old pair of slippers that they donate to my toy box and the new pair of slippers that my female human has just purchased from the store and has carelessly left poking out from under the bed.
- I will try to stop snoring in the bedroom. I am not sure how I am going to achieve this as I don’t even know that I am doing it except that I constantly hear the refrain. “Dog, Stop Snoring!”
- I will desist from eating poop from the cat litter box. Another failure on the part of human physiology. They have far too many taste buds inside their mouth and are unable to appreciate texture.
- I will stop rounding up the children. This is another delight that I must sacrifice on the alter of New Year Resolutions. You would imagine that the adult humans would be so pleased that the kiddies were all corralled in one place but it seems that the parents just don’t appreciate my efforts on their behalf. No gratitude!
- I will stop begging from the table. Another tough one. Of course if humans fed me first then I wouldn’t want to beg. Needless to say the behaviourist that they employed told them that they should eat first as it kept their status of higher than mine. Hmmm I sleep on their bed and they even pick up my poop. Who has the higher status?
- I will stop trying to scare the postman. This is a daily sport. This individual comes most day through the garden gate and has the effrontery to push bits of paper through the door and I am expected to tolerate this daily invasion of my personal space and what’s more I am the family guard dog. I am supposed to scare off intruders so what is so special about this person!
- I will stop digging holes in the lawn. Again no appreciate of my efforts. I heard that lawns need aerating. Surely this means that lawns needs holes to assist growth so what is the difference between pushing a fork into the grass and my hole. Surely bigger holes leads to more air! What’s more, how am I supposed to remember the exact coordinates of the spot where I buried that bone 3 months ago.
- I will stop passing wind silently. I must admit that this is a hysterical pastime. This is all about timing. So what I do is to pass wind, casually stroll away and watch as my humans cast accusing glances at each other. Mind you this is revenge for all those occasions when humans pass wind and then blame me. Outrageous!!
“These are simple rules. No barking, no growling, you will not lift your leg to anything in this house. This is not your room. No slobbering, no chewing, you will wear a flea collar. This is not your room. No begging for food, no sniffing of crotches and you will not drink from my toilet. This is not your room..”
Turner and Hooch (1989)
With subtitle or not?