The Accused
I apologise to all that were hoping for something educational or a heart-warming story.
Today is one of those days when I indulge myself and today is a silly day. I trust you all have the same warped sense of humour as me. Normal service will be resumed next week.
KC Stands for Kings Counsel. This is a senior trial lawyer in the United Kingdom and some Commonwealth countries
Any resemblance to anything in this story including any persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
“Bring in the accused.”
Police dog Crusher was led to the dock.
“All be upstanding.”
Crusher dutifully placed his front paws on the edge of the dock. Mr Justice Peregrine Beaumont–Benedict moved his considerable bulk exceedingly slowly to his chair. If we were being charitable, it could be put down to old age, maybe a touch of arthritis or gout. The redness of his nose was a bit of a giveaway. However, Crusher had his own opinion and was nearer to the truth.
Crusher glanced sideways to observe the judge’s entrance.
“Strewth,” he thought, “look at the state of him, I wouldn’t want to sharing dinner with him, there would be none left. He’s certainly been on the pies.”
The clerk of the court rose and read the charges.
“Police dog Crusher, you are charged that you brutally attacked and severely terrorised one Tug Smith, otherwise known as Slasher Smith, otherwise known as Smiffy the fence, otherwise known as Dodgy Smith, otherwise…… “
Crusher yawned. “Oh heck, we’ll be here all day, and I’ve missed breakfast.”
“How do you plead?”
Crusher’s defence counsel rose.
“My client pleads Not Guilty, my lord.”
Leading the defence was Gemima Palmerston–Snodgrass. KC
Crusher gazed adoringly at his defence counsel, which might have something to do with the fact that she had stroked his tummy that morning as he had rolled on his back inviting her to do so. Crusher was in love.
“Bring in the witness.” Intoned the clerk
Tug Smith, also known as Slasher Smith, also known as…….
“I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”
Crusher wanted to protest.
“The truth!! The despicable, obnoxious little weasel has over 100 convictions. He wouldn’t know the truth if it jumped up and hit him.”
Prosecutor Ignatius Percival-Pratt KC rose
“Mr Smith, maybe you would like to explain in your own words the events that took place last September.”
“Er, well, guv it were like this.”
“I was having a walk, minding my own business, when suddenly I was attacked from behind without warning by that huge psychopathic dog.”
Crusher glared at Smith.
“Outrageous; the nauseating piece of plankton hadn’t even taken a shower when I sank my teeth into him. He left a distinctly bad taste, I needed a mouthwash. I should be compensated!!”
“So you are suggesting that this dog attacked without warning.”
“Yea”
“And have you suffered any long-term effects?”
“My nerves, Sir. Shattered, I am an emotional wreck.
Smith bowed his head as years rolled down his face.
Crusher grimaced. “Just wait, sunbeam, till we meet again, and I’ll give you something to cry about. By the time I’ve finished with you, you’ll need therapy for the rest of your life.”
“No further questions, my lord.”
Ms Palmerston–Snodgrass rose.
“Mr Smith, can you tell us what time of day this occurred?”
“About 3 o’clock in the morning.”
“And where did this event take place?”
Tug Smith looked slightly uncomfortable.
“Ah, er, in the grounds of Sprokly Manor.”
“And when apprehended, you were in possession of a number of items, namely silver.”
“Yes, as I told the cops, I’d just found it.”
By now, Crusher is apoplectic.
“Was this moron born stupid or has he taken lessons, there should be a health warning on him. Beware, idiot on the loose!!”
“So you were on the grounds of a stately home at three in the morning holding a bag full of stolen property, and you ignored the instruction to stop.”
“Never heard a word.”
Crusher let loose a low growl.
“Don’t think too hard. You might sprain your brain, you piece of pond life.”
“Do you have a hearing problem?”
“No luv.”
“You will address learned counsel respectfully.” Barked Mr Justice Peregrine Beaumont – Benedict
“Well, at least the old duffer is still awake.” Thought Crusher
“Smith didn’t hear!! They must have heard it in Scotland, lying little toe rag. Just give me one more chance, when I’ve finished with him even Google won’t be able to find him.”
Crusher glared at Tug and lifted his lip to show a row of pearly white teeth.
“Governor ‘e’s threatening me.” Shouted Tug at the judge.
Crusher in the dock was gazing with adoration at his defence counsel, looking the picture of innocence.
Ms Palmerston Snodgrass leapt to the defence of her client. “My client was smiling at the witness, my lord, showing his general benign nature and showing how he holds no hard feelings towards the witness.”
“Benign nature, my a***, I’ll give the scumbag a right mauling if I get hold of him again.”
Mr Justice Peregrine Beaumont Benedict delivered the summing up.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the facts are plain and simple.”
“You must decide if Mr Smith is the victim of an unprovoked attack by the defendant or if the dog intended to apprehend a criminal in the pursuit of a crime. I must advise you that taking a walk at 3 in the morning through the grounds of a stately home is not an offence, and if you believe that Mr Smith, also known as Slasher Smith, also known as………… was in possession of stolen property as a result of his being in the wrong place at the wrong time, then he may be the innocent victim here if so you must acquit him.”
“Innocent victim!!” Crusher inwardly raged. This cockroach should carry a plant around to replace the oxygen it wastes. What’s more, where did this judge come from? It’s obvious a village is missing its idiot!!
Crusher could barely contain himself.
“Please retire to consider your verdict.”
The jury returned
The clerk of the court rose.
“Jury foreperson, have you reached a verdict upon which you all agreed?”
“We have.”
“Please read your verdict.”
“We, the jury, find the defendant……. “
“CRUSHER, WAKE UP!!”
“Stop dreaming. It’s time to go to work and catch some bad guys.”
The large dog rose and stretched. A dream? More like a bloody nightmare!!
“It’s ok if you don’t like my dog, not everyone has good taste!!”
Anon