Details have been changed to protect anonymity
Mrs Delmore lived on a different planet to me.
She listened to the opinions of people who had no knowledge of the subject.
She failed to listen to the knowledgeable people who knew what they were talking about.
Finally, she appeared to argue almost for the sake of arguing about every subject under the sun, probably the result of being raised and living in an environment where nobody of any consequence challenged her.
They are probably the worst sort of client to have. It never fails to amaze me that folks would engage the services of a professional and then argue with them. Why engage them in the first place?
At least the object of my visit was very happy to see me. Windsor was a chocolate-coloured Labrador, around two years old, with what I was told was an odd behaviour pattern. Mrs Delmore had declined to discuss the matter on the phone, so I arrived with no idea why I had been called to visit. It was not the ideal circumstance, but occasionally, it happened, and one had to make the best of it. The most common cause was some sort of sexual behaviour, and today was no exception.
Without a preamble, Mrs Delmore launched into the reason for my visit.
“It’s very simple: my labrador is gay.”
I waited for more information, but this very bold statement was followed by a deathly silence.
My reply was meant to lower the temperature and lighten the atmosphere.
With a broad smile, I attempted to reassure my new client.
“Mrs Delmore, I can assure you immediately that Windsor is not gay.”
“I will NOT be contradicted! My great friend Ethel Goodman has told me so, and she has bred dogs for years.”
My heart sank. Not only was I faced with the intractable Mrs. Delmore, but I now had to cope with Ethel, the great Oracle on matters canine.
I took a deep breath, gave myself a moment to pause and decide how to deal with this problem.
“Mrs Delmore, before we can progress, I need time to explain what is happening and why. Is that OK? Please bear with me.
The lady nodded.
“Well, over 2000 years ago, Aristotle, the great Greek philosopher, mentioned the behaviour of some species of birds that appeared to show same-sex interaction. So this is not new…..”
Now, those of you who know me are already thinking that this is a wind-up. There is no possibility that the Ray I know would be quoting Aristotle. Ray is a cultural philistine. I agree and admit that I know nothing about Aristotle, but I am aware of his observations regarding animal behaviour. My wife will tell you the term cultural philistine doesn’t go far enough. In fact, Joy will inform you that to call me a cultural philistine is probably an insult to the philistines.
I digress. Let’s return to Mrs. Delmore as my attempt to explain Windsor’s behaviour continues.
“Any animal behaviourist will confirm that many species, including dogs, show these tendencies. This leads to the assumption that this behaviour is homosexual or lesbian in nature. The truth is that hundreds of species, including birds, insects, mammals and fish, enjoy a relationship with one of the same gender, including dogs. It can be argued that there are many animals that have an attachment to one of the same gender, which in turn can be construed as gay or bisexual. Let’s remember if two people share living space, it doesn’t follow that they are gay.”
“Now we need to realise that what appears to be homosexual behaviour is nothing of the sort. For instance, a male dog mounting another male can, in fact, be a sign of dominance.”
There is no evidence that dogs have an exclusive attraction sexually or emotionally to another dog of the same gender. A start would be to neuter Windsor….
Mrs Deplore interrupted. ”My friend Ethel, who is a famous dog breeder of wolfhounds, says differently, and what’s more, I have no intention of doing that to the dog.”
Frankly, I had never heard of Ethel and her wolfhounds, but telling Mrs Delmore was probably a risky strategy.
I replied.
“There is another factor here that few people think about, and I am sure a truly knowledgeable dog breeder of wolfhounds such as Ethel Goodman will confirm that dogs as yet are not included in the list of creatures that are self-aware. I am sure that, on reflection, your friend will confirm that it is impossible to be exclusively gay without being self-aware. So until that day arrives, it is safe to assume that any behaviour attributed to a dog is not homosexual; that being the case, I reiterate that Windsor is not gay.”
I waited while Mrs Delmore digested my argument and hoped my opinion had carried the day. My client then did something unexpected: she telephoned the great Oracle. The one and only Ethel Goodman.
Obviously, I could only hear one side of the conversation, but it went something like this: ” The dog behaviourist fellow” is here, and he says Windsor is not gay. The phone was handed to me, and immediately, Ethel Goodman demanded to know what qualified me to deliver a verdict on Windsor’s behaviour.
I gleefully complied.
“A lifetime working with animals which started with several years as a veterinary nurse in one of the biggest independent veterinary clinics in the UK. I was obliged to study genetics and behaviour along with its causes, all required for the purpose of being conversant with the most up-to-date knowledge available. This enabled me to advise clients regarding the behaviour and welfare of their pets. In fact, I can also assist in the care and well-being of other species, including cats, rabbits, guinea pigs, gerbils, hamsters, pet mice and rats. I have appeared on TV, both BBC and ITV, and I am a regular contributor on Radio Cornwall. I regularly advise businesses and veterinary clinics regarding animal behaviour, and finally, I am a full member of the British Institute of Professional Dog Trainers.”
The silence that followed my answer was deafening, which was just as well because any further attempt to denigrate me would have been met with the obvious question.
“Now, tell me your qualifications.”
With my nemesis well and truly silenced, I calmly handed back the phone to Mrs Delmore, who told her friend, “I’ll ring you later.”
I waited for my client to make further comments, and the prolonged silence was starting to become embarrassing. However, as I had not started this nonsense, I reckoned it was for Mrs Delmore to break the silence.
It seemed like an hour, but it was almost certainly no more than a minute or so, but eventually, Mrs Delmore spoke.
“Tell me more about this self-awareness.”
I explained fully that a very limited number of animals are self-aware in that they passed the mirror test, and while it is not a foolproof system, it’s the best the scientists have produced.
See Self Awareness 22nd February 2021
The response from Mrs Delmore was restricted to little more than a sigh. I realised that despite my efforts, my client considered the views of her friend to be more valid than mine.
Eventually, the visit came to an end, and as I departed, my only concern was for Windsor. What future was in store for him? There is an expression that says.
“Good dog, shame about the owner!!”
Cornwall is such a small community where everyone knows everyone else, and because Mrs Delmore lived not far from me, I was able to discover what happened to Windsor. He was rehomed and was adored by his new family; he was neutered, and his “gay” behaviour disappeared.
For Windsor, it was a happy ending.
Authors note: This event took place 30 years ago. Recent research using a different test has left some scientists debating whether dogs could possibly be partially self-aware, as their eyesight is not their primary sense. Other scientists disagree, and the words “possibly” and “partially” don’t exactly inspire confidence.
As I have said before, if the scientists can’t agree, we have no chance!!
“Never have I experienced serenity and sweetness of disposition as with my chocolate lab.”
Mortimer Zuckerman
With subtitle or not?