Woodstock – An annual music festival held in the UK.
Janet Reger – Designer of ladies’ garments.
I expected it to be just another day. A visit to sort out a destructive dog, a fairly common issue for most trainers and behaviourists. Boredom was usually the cause as intelligent dogs were left with no mental stimulation while owners carried on with their busy lives, and the family pet was left to provide its own entertainment. These interludes caused owners considerable stress as the result was usually some sort of damage to belongings or property.
It took some finding, but the cottage I was looking for was one of those hidden gems that one finds on picture postcards. The walls were covered in vines, fruit trees dotted the surrounding land and the garden was an array of colours as the wildflowers competed for space.
The door was opened, and I had to be careful not to stare. The lady was dressed in a voluminous multi-coloured skirt an equally multi-coloured blouse and a headband that failed miserably to contain a mass of red hair. The lady appeared to be a refugee from Woodstock or some such event. She also had a baby perched on her hip.
“Hello, I’m Constance, do come in.”
I followed the lady into the house and was met with chaos. Paintings covered every square inch of the walls, Five cats had spread themselves across all the seating, a glass fish tank housed a snake and a guinea pig was chewing on a lettuce leaf whilst peering out from a huge cage. The floor was covered with children’s toys, and from behind a sofa came three dogs, an extremely geriatric boxer who went by the name of Face Ache, a Jack Russell terrier called Mick and an English Setter called Demelza
The unmistakable sound of Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
“I can’t get no satisfaction”, Mick intoned.
“Sorry about the mess, children, you know.”
“How many,” I asked.
“With Joshua here eight.”
“Well, that lot must keep you busy.”
She gave a tired smile.
“In the back, we also have chickens, ducks and a donkey.”
“You have a donkey as well?”
“Yes, he was abandoned, the kids adore him, he’s called Donk.”
“Donk!” We both burst out laughing.
“I know, not the most original name.”
One didn’t need a degree in mathematics to work out the obvious. Eight children, three dogs, five cats, a guinea pig, a snake, chickens, ducks and a donkey were never going to be a recipe for a tidy, stress-free life.
“My partner is due back any minute, but I can give you the basic problem. It’s Demelza. She has suddenly become destructive. She has sharpened her teeth on a piece of cob wall, this cottage is 400 years old and it’s mainly cob. Just look at that chair, it is antique, well it was until she chewed the legs and…. “
Suddenly the narrative faltered. I waited. Constance carried on. “Does the name Janet Reger mean anything to you?”
I smiled and nodded.
“Four pairs of my best undies. I am not amused.”
This time I hid the smile. Wasn’t it Queen Victoria who is quoted as saying, “We are not amused.”
We chatted for another ten minutes before her partner arrived.
“Hi, I’m Nigel.”
We shook hands, and he apologised for his late arrival.
We talked over a cup of coffee, and I learned that Constance was an artist and Nigel was a freelance journalist.
“I was wondering, how difficult is it going to be to sort out Demelza.” He asked
“I already know what is causing the problem, and I know the solution,” I replied
“Are you serious?”
“Absolutely.”
“How?”
“One question asked and one answer already given by your good lady?”
“So what is it?”
“Constance has recently given birth, Joshua, congratulations by the way, Demelza is jealous, feels left out, is sulking, and her way of protesting is to get the attention that she feels is her due.”
“But she is being punished.”
“True, but she is not being ignored.”
“But why Demelza, the others are not misbehaving?”
Well, Face Ache is extremely elderly and has seen it all before. As the saying goes, “He been there, done that and got the t-shirt.”
“As for Mick, he is devoted to Face Ache, so if Face Ache is untroubled, then so is Mick.”
“Unfortunately for Demelza, this is her first experience of a baby being introduced into the household, and both of you and the children are cooing over the newborn baby so much that she feels she needs to get some attention back on herself. Demelza needs some fuss, go back to the way things were before the baby. Keep that same routine and things will return to normal. Just regard it as rebellious behaviour by a teenager, not villainy.”
“As simple as that, we don’t need to get rid of her?”
“Of course not.”
Nigel was silent for a moment, looked at me and then came a rather odd suggestion.
“How about this?” He asked
“I am delighted, not only delighted but amazed that you can decipher that in such a short space of time. I have had an idea, don’t know if this would be agreeable how about I do a “puff” about you.”
“A puff?”
“Yes, you must have seen one, a journalist does a short article on an individual, very good publicity and free advertising. I also might get paid depending on who takes it, but even if I don’t receive a fee it keeps my name in editors’ minds. It’s the sort of thing that I can run off in minutes, let’s call it a bonus for a job well done. I really thought that Demelza might have to go.”
We chatted a while longer, I was introduced to Donk the Donkey, enjoyed a cup of coffee, answered a few questions about my work and finally departed.
Three weeks later, I picked up the free weekly newspaper off the mat, and my attention was immediately drawn to the front page.
A photograph of Demelza complete with the headline “Wayward Teenager not a Villain. So says Professional Dog Trainer”
What followed was a glowing tribute to my talents, so much so that I was concerned future clients might expect me to be able to walk on water. The article didn’t change my life, but on entering my local for a pint, I was met with three mates who fell to their knees in mock worship, which in turn cost me three pints!!
“If you want the best seat in the house, you have to move the dog.”
Anon
With subtitle or not?